Open

I realized yesterday that I've been trying so hard to bring meaning to a certain situation that I've been closing myself off to opportunities.

I have a hard time thinking that a year and a half of my life meant nothing. So I've been hanging on, hoping that some grand meaning would come, and in the process, closing myself off from opportunity. I've been wearing a "Sorry, we're closed" sign around my life and my heart.

No more.

Now this doesn't mean that I'm going to rush into situations or circumstances just because they're there. I'm pretty sure that's what brought me to this point, where I've been desperate for meaning to try to make sense of a situation that just doesn't.

I've always been someone that tries to find the moral of the story, what it all really means. I think this time, "it" means that sometimes things just don't work out. And it doesn't have to make sense. And I'm finally OK with that I think.

Maybe it will all make sense someday. But for now, I'm going to turn on my "Open" sign.

The Sun

I think there is something very real and powerful about sunshine.

The past few days, I was in a weird funk. I just haven't had much motivation this week. To do anything but lay on my couch.

But today it all changed. Granted, I woke up and told myself to make a concerted effort to focus on happiness today, but I also give quite a bit of credit to the sunshine.

If I could thank the sun for shining, I would. I guess I'll thank the God that made it.

Finding My Own Way

Yesterday on my way home from work, I was thinking about how great my little side roads shortcut to get to the Interstate is. I thought, "who was it that told me to go this way?"

Usually someone will recommend that I try this shortcut or that little road to save some time, but I remembered that I came upon my little shortcut completely by accident after missing a turn.

A happy accident after making a wrong turn.

Maybe my next shortcut is just around the corner, after a few wrong turns.

Lessons From January

I think at the end of each month in this Year of Ginny, I'll recap the things I learned in those weeks.

In January, I learned:

1. My way sucks. Like really sucks. The more I try to do things my way, driven by my emotions, feelings, selfish ambitions, the further I fall from where I want to be. So I'm gonna' let God lead from now on. After all, He created all the things I've screwed up.

2. Hope is good. It keeps us going. But ultimately, God gives us discernment in what is and what is not worthy of our hope and energy.

3. From an email my Mom sent me: "If it doesn't make your life better, you don't need it."

4. I am far from alone. I've got a truly amazing family that loves me unconditionally, and friends that do the same. There's no reason for me to ever feel alone.

5. This is gonna' be a pretty cool year.

"It's" In Me

I am so unbelievably guilty of trying to find "it" from outside sources.

"It" ranges from affirmation to validation to reassurance, and the list could most certainly go on. I think fishing (for compliments) has become one of my most popular pasttimes.

But this has got to stop. The more I seek "it" from outside sources, the more I'm robbing myself of the joy and satisfaction of realizing that "it" is in me.

"It's" been here all along.

Evident Truths

Events that transpired this weekend have made several things evident.

1) I do not, in fact, have it all together. As much as I want to believe I've got control and that I make right decisions more often than not, it's just not reality. At least it hasn't been for quite a while.

2) I need to stop looking for what's wrong in others and realize that there's quite a bit not right with me that I need to take care of. I think it's been a deflecting mechanism, focusing in on the wrong in others so as to distract myself from what needs fixin' in me.

3) Maybe Mom is right. Alcohol may, in fact, be the devil. It sure hasn't brought much good to me lately.

4) Even after all the mistakes and screw ups and never-thought-I-would've's, God is a God of forgiveness and hope. Only in Him can I find that kind of forgiveness and grace, and also the strength to move forward in a right and better way.

5) Did I mention I don't have it all together?

6) I've got to start putting the focus that I've been directing towards all kinds of peripheral issues into bettering myself. I've got to renew my focus.

7) Because of God's grace, we aren't defined by our mistakes.

Free

Yesterday, it hit me.

I'm free! I have in my possession the freedom to do whatever I want to do, to chase whatever dreams I dream, to love whoever and however I want to.

I think the reason that I hadn't grasped this concept until yesterday was because I was so immersed in certain situations I couldn't see the big picture. I'd kept my eyes laser focused on these issues, and when I averted my gaze and began to look elsewhere, it hit me. I'm totally and completely free.

What a feeling.