Lessons From January

I think at the end of each month in this Year of Ginny, I'll recap the things I learned in those weeks.

In January, I learned:

1. My way sucks. Like really sucks. The more I try to do things my way, driven by my emotions, feelings, selfish ambitions, the further I fall from where I want to be. So I'm gonna' let God lead from now on. After all, He created all the things I've screwed up.

2. Hope is good. It keeps us going. But ultimately, God gives us discernment in what is and what is not worthy of our hope and energy.

3. From an email my Mom sent me: "If it doesn't make your life better, you don't need it."

4. I am far from alone. I've got a truly amazing family that loves me unconditionally, and friends that do the same. There's no reason for me to ever feel alone.

5. This is gonna' be a pretty cool year.

"It's" In Me

I am so unbelievably guilty of trying to find "it" from outside sources.

"It" ranges from affirmation to validation to reassurance, and the list could most certainly go on. I think fishing (for compliments) has become one of my most popular pasttimes.

But this has got to stop. The more I seek "it" from outside sources, the more I'm robbing myself of the joy and satisfaction of realizing that "it" is in me.

"It's" been here all along.

Evident Truths

Events that transpired this weekend have made several things evident.

1) I do not, in fact, have it all together. As much as I want to believe I've got control and that I make right decisions more often than not, it's just not reality. At least it hasn't been for quite a while.

2) I need to stop looking for what's wrong in others and realize that there's quite a bit not right with me that I need to take care of. I think it's been a deflecting mechanism, focusing in on the wrong in others so as to distract myself from what needs fixin' in me.

3) Maybe Mom is right. Alcohol may, in fact, be the devil. It sure hasn't brought much good to me lately.

4) Even after all the mistakes and screw ups and never-thought-I-would've's, God is a God of forgiveness and hope. Only in Him can I find that kind of forgiveness and grace, and also the strength to move forward in a right and better way.

5) Did I mention I don't have it all together?

6) I've got to start putting the focus that I've been directing towards all kinds of peripheral issues into bettering myself. I've got to renew my focus.

7) Because of God's grace, we aren't defined by our mistakes.

Free

Yesterday, it hit me.

I'm free! I have in my possession the freedom to do whatever I want to do, to chase whatever dreams I dream, to love whoever and however I want to.

I think the reason that I hadn't grasped this concept until yesterday was because I was so immersed in certain situations I couldn't see the big picture. I'd kept my eyes laser focused on these issues, and when I averted my gaze and began to look elsewhere, it hit me. I'm totally and completely free.

What a feeling.

I'm Not The One

Yesterday I finally said the words that have been holding me back, keeping me in a holding pattern, for a while now.

"I'm not The One."

After I said it, it seemed so simple, so obvious. A calm clarity presented itself. The reason things weren't working out was simply because I'm not The One for him. Because when it's right, it just works. It might be harder sometimes than others, but at the end of the day, that deep commitment to and the love for the other person makes it all alright. I really believe that.

But not everybody believes in that kind of love, commitment, passion, faith, hope. People have told me that I'm only setting myself up for failure by believing. And for a minute there, I believed 'em. For the first time in my life, I felt pretty hopeless.

But ya' know what? I'm just not The One for those people, people that don't believe.

And that's OK. I can't be The One for everyone, just for My One. And trust me, he believes in love.

Reckless

reck.less adj. 1. a. Heedless or careless; b. Headstrong, rash 2. Indifferent or disregardful of consequences

The above definition pretty much sums up how I've dealt with my emotions lately.

I've been reckless with my heart, my feelings, my emotions.

This thought came to me at church yesterday. Our church is going through a series on margins in our lives, the leeway, the room we must give ourselves to lead successful, happy lives. In thinking on the margins in my life, I realized that I've been living beyond the margin in the area of my emotions. Let me explain.

I've been carelessly throwing and thrashing my heart and my feelings about, hoping that they'll find a safe spot to land.

This hasn't worked.

I started to think about why I haven't taken very good care of my heart as of late, living beyond the margin and dangerously close to the tipping point. Is it because I thrive on the drama of waiting to see if/when I'll fall over the edge? Maybe a little bit. I must admit, a life with absolutely no drama sounds a little boring to me.

But I don't think that's the primary reason for my recklessness. I think at the core of why I've been casting out my heart, hoping to catch something/someone and reel it back in, isn't that I'm a glutton for punishment or a masochist.

It comes down to hope.

I'm a believer in happy endings. I think that after every plot twist in the third act, there should be a reconciliation, a happy ending. I'm a believer in people. I hope for the best in the people I care about. I feel like I find the kernel of good inside of a person, and I cling to that. And more times than not, I end up hurt.

Here's the rub...to think that I have to give up hope is a deeply depressing thought. But at the same time, it's this deep conviction that certain people are, indeed, good at heart that has left my heart broken more often than I'd care to admit.

I need to figure out the balance of maintaining hope, while also protecting my heart. Hopefully, in this Year of Ginny, I'll figure this one out.

I Still Wish on Stars

Last night as I was leaving my parents' house to head back home to the metropolis of Benton, I was struck by a bright, singular star. It wasn't a part of a cluster, just kind of on its own, shining away.

I've been wishing on stars for as long as I can remember. I even (embarassingly) have a little "winking ritual" that I have to do every time I make a wish. I say the usual "Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight," then I make my wish, then I repeat the phrase in the past tense (i.e. "the first start I saw tonight, I wished I may, I wished I might..."), then I wink once with my right eye, twice with my left, once again wtih the right, then pause, then a final wink with the right eye.

Yes, I am insane. And a little OCD.

But it's one of my things.

Last night I wished that this would be the year that I fall in love. With myself. With a renewed passion in my relationship with God. And sure, if it fits, with Mr. Right. But, for the first time, that was the last part of my wish, not the first.

I've long wished that a relationship I was in would work out, that I would fall madly in love with a Prince Charming, and so on and so forth. But last night, for the first time, my wish didn't involve anyone else that could/would make it come true. Just me.

In that small, quiet moment, I took ownership of my wish.

Just Let It Go?

"Let it go."

I've heard those three words a lot in the course of my life. Hell, I've said those words to myself at least a hundred times.

But...what if I can't?

I'm the type of person that keeps everything. Things with sentimental value, no matter how ridiculous, things that I think I may need ten years down the road, etc. I'm always afraid that if/when I get rid of something, I'll end up needing it again. I'm afraid that a time will come when I'll regret throwing that item away.

So here I am, someone that can barely throw away a movie stub. So how am I supposed to let a whole person go?

They say that you must completely close one door in order for another to open. I get it. It makes perfect sense logically. But I have a hard time getting my heart to jump on that bandwagon. It just seems so harsh, letting someone go.

I guess I'm trying to figure out how to do that, and how to do that in a healthy way.

Stay tuned...

The Punctuation of Life

A friend's lamenting over the abuse of comma splices (guilty as charged) got me thinking about, of all things, punctuation. More specifically, the punctuation of life.

I'm a big fan of the comma. There's just something about continuing a thought without the interruption of a pesky period or semicolon. I consider them to be a more smooth transition than other punctuation options.

While this may not mean very much in terms of my style of writing, I've discovered this truth can mean a great deal outside of the grammatical implications.

In my life, I like to use "commas" and elipses (...) to continue a thought without completely ending it, to lead into the next thought on the page. This has led to too many run on sentences in my life, situations and relationships that I've continued through the use of "soft punctuation," rather than having the guts to put a period at the end of the situation/relationship.

I guess part of this stems from my desire for a happy ending, a desire for the plot twist in the fourth act. I just can't stand to end something, just in case...

But maybe putting a period at the end of one thought (or situation or relationship or what have you) is the only way for the story to go where it's supposed to. Maybe it takes a period, a hard stop, for another potentially life-altering thought to get the attention it deserves.

I think I'll give periods a try this year.

Outta' My Way

A couple of days ago, while laying on my couch looking out the window (amidst the too-many-to-count multi-colored glass knick knacks), I had an epiphany.

I was thinking about how great my life really is. I have faith in a God that has never, I repeat, never let me down, I have the best family in all the world (I know everyone says that, but in my case, it's true), amazing friends, a great job that I truly enjoy, a house that I adore, and a big snuggly furball of a cat that's too precious for words.

But like they always do, thoughts of what isn't quite right in my life started sneaking up, making me question all of the things listed above and more. I started thinking about the things in my life that I'm not happy about. And then I started thinking about what is at the root of those things, those circumstances, those situations.

And then it hit me. "Ginny, the only thing holding you back from the things you desire, is you."

I've thought things along those lines previously, but it's always been a logical, static thought that didn't resonate and obviously didn't impact my choices. But this time was different. It made sense, in a very real and impactful way.

So, in this, the Year of Ginny, I'm going to work on getting out of my own way. I'm going to be more cognizant of the decisions I make and the thoughts and feelings that I let dictate those decisions. I will learn to question whether or not the things I do/think/feel/say are in line with what I want for my life, or if they're driven by fear/insecurity/doubt/etc.

And then, I'll get outta' my own way.