Reckless

reck.less adj. 1. a. Heedless or careless; b. Headstrong, rash 2. Indifferent or disregardful of consequences

The above definition pretty much sums up how I've dealt with my emotions lately.

I've been reckless with my heart, my feelings, my emotions.

This thought came to me at church yesterday. Our church is going through a series on margins in our lives, the leeway, the room we must give ourselves to lead successful, happy lives. In thinking on the margins in my life, I realized that I've been living beyond the margin in the area of my emotions. Let me explain.

I've been carelessly throwing and thrashing my heart and my feelings about, hoping that they'll find a safe spot to land.

This hasn't worked.

I started to think about why I haven't taken very good care of my heart as of late, living beyond the margin and dangerously close to the tipping point. Is it because I thrive on the drama of waiting to see if/when I'll fall over the edge? Maybe a little bit. I must admit, a life with absolutely no drama sounds a little boring to me.

But I don't think that's the primary reason for my recklessness. I think at the core of why I've been casting out my heart, hoping to catch something/someone and reel it back in, isn't that I'm a glutton for punishment or a masochist.

It comes down to hope.

I'm a believer in happy endings. I think that after every plot twist in the third act, there should be a reconciliation, a happy ending. I'm a believer in people. I hope for the best in the people I care about. I feel like I find the kernel of good inside of a person, and I cling to that. And more times than not, I end up hurt.

Here's the rub...to think that I have to give up hope is a deeply depressing thought. But at the same time, it's this deep conviction that certain people are, indeed, good at heart that has left my heart broken more often than I'd care to admit.

I need to figure out the balance of maintaining hope, while also protecting my heart. Hopefully, in this Year of Ginny, I'll figure this one out.